Please read the information under the Tantra Link, about Tantric Attitude/Philosophy, before reading TECHNIQUE.  The heart of sacred lovemaking is all about getting deeply centered in the attitude of Non-Performance, of letting go of attachment to attaining the goal — the Big O.  This article is written man to man, but I fully expect many women to read the words on this site . . . and then ask their male lover to “Please read this.”Once you are firmly anchored in Tantric Attitude, your lovemaking will change forever and your love relationship will never be the same.  But, I can't just throw you into this awesome approach without providing some “things to DO.” There are many books that teach Tantric Technique, so this article is Tantric Technique Light.  I do believe that the key tantric attitude/philosophy is the true heart of tantra and all great love making.  This article is written to support the Tantric Attitude, and to give you some simple things TO DO to help  you move into that way of being.This is a temporary plunge into uncertainty.  While many of us think we’ve “really got sex down.” “We are the best!”…Stop for a moment to think about where you learned about sex.  

Most guys got their hands on Playboy or Penthouse Magazine in elementary school when they're young.  From Playboy men learn that women are beautiful “objects.” Many of us learned about sex from our friends, or college buddies who were just slightly older.  And they really knew it all!  Most guys are not perusing the Internet to truly improve their lovemaking skills or to really learn what a woman wants and needs.  Few men are really focused on learning Tantra, about making sex sacred.  The media, in all its forms, perpetuates a certain gold standard of sexuality that continues to reinforce “sex as performance.”  The pharmaceutical companies that produce drugs like Viagra and Extenz have really amped up the notion of “sex as performance” and “if you don’t have a really big, long penis, you will not be able to please women.  You will fail in your performance.”  I think it is true that, if your lifetime belief and practice is that: 1) sex is about performing, and 2) the longer your penis the better lover you are — eventually you are much more likely to need these drugs.  After all, “having” to perform is a grind and a demand, and it just wears people out, even if they'e not aware of it.  

Here is a sports analogy that will help you understand just about everything I’m trying to teach.  I’m not a golfer, but I’ve worked with many.  If you’re not a golfer, and I’m not, you will still understand this.  Before a golfer gets in position to swing and hit the ball, he will take a step back, and then take a couple of practice swings.  In general, those practice swings are effortless and technically very good.  The golfer then steps forward, takes a swing, and hits the ball rather poorly.  Then he wonders, “What’s the deal?  I take a practice swing and it feels great, and I know that the practice swing was just terrific.  Then I step up to the ball and it’s an entirely different story.”  When he is taking the “real” swing with a real ball, he is caught up in performing, in wanting to smash the ball, drive it 275 years in a perfect straight line.  When he is taking a practice swing, there is nothing at stake, and he is not in “performance mode” at all.  With the practice swing, he is really playing and having fun.  In sex, most men are not taking that relaxed, practice swing.  They are performing, going for broke, wanting to smash the ball, hit it perfectly…and ultimately have a great (low) score for the round.  Think of love making as being more like the practice swing and not the “real” swing that “counts.”  With that said, consider that this is a good time to put aside some of the old ideas, make room for this new (well really ancient actually) way of making love.  When you have mastered this new information, get creative.  You don’t have to throw out all your decades of sexual prowess.  You can use your love making skills at a much higher level after you have a more solid foundation.  But, you'll need a few tools to help you get started and to help you break old patterns.


1.  When you and your lover have decided to make love, spend 1 to 5 minutes in preparation.  You might call this your Love Making Ritual.  These are just some ideas to get you started.  Sit facing each other, knees touching, and holding hands.  Look into each other’s eyes.  Don’t force it.  If you want to close your eyes for a while, do so.  Light incense and candles.  2.  You may want to put on some soothing or romantic music as part of your love making ritual.  Perhaps, you might want to get something like a Tibetan Bell. They have an amazing sound.  Gently hit the bell once or twice.  On the MUSIC link of this site, please take a listen to the first piece, called “Invocation.”  I composed and recorded "THE GIFT: 60-MInute Classical Journey."  Invocation, the first piece, is intended to be part of your Love Making Ritual or Tantric Massage Ritual.  THE GIFT may not be the right music for you, but by listening to it, you will get the idea of the feeling we want to establish during the ritual.  I am inspired by Baroque composers like Vivaldi and Bach, and “Invocation” was composed in Baroque style. “Invocation” will help you transition from the usual goal-oriented mind-set that many of us live in - to some quieting of the mind and opening of the heart, which will move you into a mental and physical state conducive to making love.  3.  Place your hand on your lover’s heart.  4.  As you look at each other, tune into each other’s breathing and start breathing slowly and deeply from your diaphragm.  Begin to breathe together.  Look into each other’s eyes . . . and synch up your breath.  Breath is the most powerful tool to begin connecting, to raise kundalini or life force energy, and to develop more and more control over your sexual energy.5.  If you are comfortable with this, do your Love Making Ritual in front of your alter, and invite God, Spirit, Goddess, Higher Power to be awakened . . . or to be part of what is to come.  The point of this ritual is so you can, break old patterns, set a new tone, set the Intention for your love making, invite the sacred into love making - which is the essence of Tantra.  

Tantra means, “to weave” and you want to begin to weave spirituality, sensuality, and sexuality together during this beginning ritual, and throughout lovemaking.  You might want to make a “love altar” where you can place your incense, candles, photos, statues, a crucifix, statue of Buddha, or Quan Yin.  Perhaps you might want to hold the crucifix together.  Now, I threw that in there because I know it will freak out a lot of people.  Western religions have done a good job at separating sexuality from normal, healthy life, and declaring sex “dirty” and to be kept away from the sacred.  America is a nation of sexual conflict.  On the one hand, sexual titillation is everywhere.  We are intentionally stirred up and turned on by just about all media, movies, Internet, etc.  While being titillated, at the same time sex is repressed and suppressed.  So, we have a lot of sexual conflict and sexual discomfort.  The idea of holding something sacred, like a cross, might not be right for you, and might push your limits.  It's not my thing, but I respect it. The idea is that there is nothing unsacred about sex, and Tantra is a conscious set of attitudes and techniques to help people bring the sacred and the sexual back together again.e.  Be creative and brainstorm with your lover what other items or elements you want to bring to this ritual.  You may use this time to silently connect.  You may want so share a few words that come from the heart and not the head.  During your brief Love Making Ritual, some of you may have thoughts like, “This is really dumb.”  “I already know how to make love.  I don't need to sit on the floor like some Indian yogi.”  “I'm horny and I want to just get to the juicy stuff and I don't have time to waste with this nonsense.”  The average person's mind churns out 5,000 random thoughts per day, almost all of them useless and repetitive.  Don't believe too much of what your monkey-mind tells you.  It is responsible for almost all of our suffering.  As any thoughts come up during the Ritual, simply watch them, without judgment, and let them go.  

A word of explanation: It is our intellect, which is involved in wisdom, discrimination, and real problem solving, that is our mental ally.  The intellect and the mind are different.Americans are hard working, over-worked, and stressed people.  All too often there is the feeling that there is no time for sex.  When people find time for sex, they dash into it.  Men sprint to the bed, rip their clothes off, see how "awesome" they can be, and hope for a good performance.  Our minds are running very fast throughout the day.  During the love making ritual, you have the opportunity to literally take a deep breath, move into a peaceful state with your lover, and allow your racing mind to slow down.  You have the opportunity to consciously switch gears.  You are no longer at work.  It is just the two of you. Slow down and let the world go away.

The Power of Words

If you have read about tantra or attended some classes, you will have read about worshipping your woman as goddess and vice versa.  Women who take to tantra often take on the lingo and immediately begin referring to themselves as, “I am Goddess Jane (or whomever)” . . . as if she has become a different person.  Eastern spirituality as well as Native American holds that the spark of the divine is within everything, including all living creatures.  When you look into the eyes of a newborn baby, the spark of God is so very real.  The infant just came from God and has not had time to forget.  So, over time we forget, but with conscious practice, we can remember.  I do look for the divine in all.  So, worshipping women has been part of me, in a natural way, for a very long time.  There are times, while making love, when that spark of the divine is so easy to see in her, so much more evident than at other times, that I am just brought to tears.I am suggesting that you be real with your words.  If, in your heart of hearts, it feels right to say to her, “I honor and worship you as Shakti, the Divine Goddess that you are, then do so.”  If it’s phony, don’t say it.  Stay simple.  Speak from your heart…and let your body talk.  More about “body talk” later on.I will say that with certain women who have been on a conscious spiritual path for a very long time, I may call her Shakti or some other Goddess name, and she may call me Shiva.  However, we don’t reserve these words only for lovemaking.  I might get on the phone and half-jokingly say, “Hi Shakti, how are you?”  Now, if you are East Indian, chances are that you were born with a name that is a name for God!Other words you will read about in tantra books include, “Yoni” (female genitals) and “Lingham” or “Vajra” (male genitals).  When talking about Tantra, I'll refer to yoni and lingam. But stay real and use words that you like and are comfortable with.  Stay real.  I do think these words sound pretty cool.  Avoid thinking in terms of Parts.  When you are taught to “worship the yoni as the gateway to the goddess,” it makes me want to write comic books.  I adore every inch of a woman’s body, and am equally happy, as is she, when I worship a spot on her neck that I have found that, when kissed, just right, drives her wild!  I don’t refer to “neck worship” however…or “back of the knee” worship.  Now, if you have special names for your genitals that you like, use them.  If you like yoni, say it.  If you want to refer to your penis as vajra, do it.  Just make sure it feels real.  Conventional sex is animalistic and involves the lower chakras or energy centers.  You want to set your intention that your lovemaking will be about connecting through love and with love.  What I am sharing here really is just about –Love.  

Making Love is a profound way to fully express love.  Remember that trying to impress your partner is a concept that comes from your head and your old programming, but does not come from “your” heart and does not touch “her” heart . . . or her body.  Everything that we “do” gets better and easier with practice.  Try to be consistent with your Love Making Ritual, keeping the essential elements the same.  In that way, through repetition, you will begin to quickly fall into a genuine heart space quickly.  And you will be touching, holding hands, in a very sweet, sensual, connected way.

Moving Closer

After the Ritual, moving to the bed is a pretty good idea!  Continue building the connection you have started.  Begin with non-erotic touching, and slowly caressing, letting your hands and fingertips slowly move all over each other’s bodies…. except avoid touching each other’s erogenous zones!  Run your hands through her hair.  Caress her face.  Imagine the wonderful tension that builds through non-erotic, but sensual touch.  In a matter of minutes you will both be heating up in a very big way.


It is through slow, sensual touching and kissing that a woman’s natural biology responds and emotionally she enters into levels of trust that are deeper.  When the time is right, you will both know it, and you can move into deep, passionate kissing.  For those kissing connoisseurs, hours can go by doing nothing but kissing.  Sexual communication can be verbal or non-verbal.  You want to slowly open each other: emotionally and physically.  Men, here is one great suggestion.  Slowly lick across her lips, drawing your tongue from left to right, or right to left.  Then pause.  If her lips part, she is inviting you to enter into a deeper kiss.  If you have pressed lips, licked across her lips and her lips are still closed, do not “force entry.”  I don’t care if she’s your wife.  There are countless ways to violate each other.  Some are very gross and obvious and others are subtle.  You want to continue caressing, and gently kissing.  As her lips part, one thing you can both do is separate just a bit, focus on your breathing, and experience breathing each other in, and out.In general, women need a lot more warm up time than men do.  In fact, with “normal” sex she is just beginning to open up and warm up . . . when he is done!  Yikes.  So, she fakes it, over and over again and acts thrilled, and maybe screams hard to fool both of you into thinking you just had the greatest sex of your life.  Do not dive into anything.  Do not start your kiss by plunging your tongue down each other’s throats.  Tease each other a bit.  Back away for a while after your lips have been pressed together.  Then resume, maybe by nibbling on each other’s lips.It is hard to think of love making without considering the importance of kissing, which for many has become a lost art.  Approach each other by slowly pressing your lips together.  Just take some time to really feel…what that feels like, the tingling, the warmth the anticipation.  Even with this early kiss, as your bodies become more entwined, the sexual energy will be building.

Turning Up the Heat

Obviously, both of you will want to increase the tempo and the intensity.  Do so, but follow her clues.  Listen to her words.  Ask her if something feels good or not.  And both of you need to be able to say, “No.  Stop.”  The fact that you might be married does not give either of you a license to push past each other’s boundaries.  Whether you are jumping down her throat with your tongue, or moving quickly, rubbing her clitoris and yoni lips hard and fast, if it is not her tempo, it is a violation of what she wants and what her real and true boundaries are.  Savor your sensual, non-erotic touching.  Then “slowly” begin caressing breasts, nipples, and yoni.  Men, don’t dive in, grab her breasts, stuff her nipple into your mouth and suck on it like a crazy man.  Warm her up.  Stroke and touch her nipples.  After awhile, she will let you know if she likes them squeezed, pulled, or whatever.  Start soft and slow.  No rush. Listen to her how her body talks…and then respond.

Body Talk

By the way, the word “orgasm” has not yet been mentioned.  That is because I am helping to guide you into diving into the moment, into the present.  Right now the orgasm is a million miles away.  You’ll get there, if and when you want to, but right now, you are so totally consumed with giving and receiving… in this moment, that orgasm is truly not yet on your mind.  You are so immersed in caressing, stroking, kissing, licking, smelling, tasting, hearing and seeing your lover that your usual mind state is calmed down, and you are living in the moment.  In addition to body talk, use words to tell your partner, how you are feeling. . in body and mind.  Tell her if you like what she is doing. It’s as simple as, “Honey, I love what you’re doing right now.  ”Begin to let sounds come out of your mouth as you move deeper into your lovemaking.  These sounds are rather animal-like and tend to be low tones.  They are moans, groans, aaahs, and more.  These are sounds without names or words, and many of us are not used to letting these sounds out.  As you remember, over and over, to take deep breaths, let those sounds come out as you exhale.  It is important to communicate with words, but if you listen to body talk, you will know if she is enjoying what you are doing.  You will know if she wants you to increase the intensity.  And she will let you know if something does not feel good.  Maybe she won’t say it in words, but her body talk will tell you if you are doing something that does not feel good.

Monitor Your Energy Level

So, first, begin to pay attention to your level of excitation.  Secondly, try to remain aware of your breathing as much as you can.  The breath is the single fastest way to regulate our energy level.  If your lover is stroking or kissing your (name that part), and she is giving incredible pleasure . . . and taking you to higher and higher energy levels, if you want to sustain the pleasure, ask her to either stop or slow down, and take a few deep breaths.  If you were at an 8, if you take a few deep breaths, very quickly you can bring yourself back down to wherever you want to be, say 5 – 7.  If you study tantra technique, you will learn a great deal about the breath, because its role is so important.  The words “breath” and  “breathe” are most interesting.  Another word for “breath” is “inspire” – and “inspiration.”  It’s clear that, as our language formed, the relationship between the breath, sexuality, and spirituality was clear.A large part of tantra technique is about learning to tune in to your level of sexual excitation, and to gain control and mastery over your level.  I suggest that you use a scale of 0 – 10.  When you hit 10, you’re having your orgasm.  Being able to hang out for hours at 5 or 6 is incredible.  Being able to hang out and sustain a level of sexual pleasure and energy between 6 – 8 is heavenly.  At this point, every cell in your body is celebrating.  And I encourage people to celebrate whenever they can and do it for a long time.  When you reach 9, you’re going to be at 10 and over the top in a matter of seconds.

How and Where to Focus

Hopefully, you will become totally lost in the love and pleasure of your lovemaking.  In order to touch your woman the way she really wants it, and to attain sustained levels of pleasure, you’ll want a few tips to remind you how and where to focus.  1. Focus on the here and now.  2. Slow is good.  3. Breathe, breathe, breathe.  4. Look into her eyes and re-connect.  5. What am I feeling in this moment?Become more aware of your 5 senses.  What am I feeling, seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting?  6. Monitor your energy level.And remember, most of all – you cannot do this wrong.  You don’t get a score.  You can’t win, and you can’t lose. Pretty nice concept!  This is a leisurely sexploration of her body.  If you love and adore women, you will love exploring at a new level.


There are women who absolutely love hard intercourse.  I’ve never met a woman who desired to have her brains f*cked out, nor to be pounded.  Certainly, when the energy reaches its peak, it can be wonderfully wild and intense.  In general, however, women like to be touched the way you’ve read on this site.  Just as they like to start off with slow caressing, they like to be penetrated rather slowly, and then once you are both really synched up, she’s ready for whatever her style is.  It might be slow and rhythmic, and it might be hard and fast.  Sex in America consists of about 6 minutes of foreplay and 4 minutes of intercourse.  Men have been programmed to think of sex in terms of an aerobic sport. Instead, slide inside her when she invites you.  Intercourse is often a more emotionallly powerful experience for women than for many men.  The slow caressing approach opens up a woman's heart.  It takes time to help her open her heart.  Physiologically, it takes time and trust for a woman's legs to naturally relax and spread apart, and for her vagina to open up completely.  Most men do not allow the time for this natural opening, and they simply push through and enter her.  Slide inside her slowly.  It is a good idea, once you are fully inside her, to stop moving for 10 or 15 seconds, to allow your energy to drop back down to 5 – 8.  Take a deep breath.  By doing this, you will be able to sustain your pleasure, then move into this final phase of love making, better able to sustain as long as you like.You have much greater, conscious control and decision-making about intercourse.  You can choose to make love for hours.  Trust me, it never gets boring.  You can choose together that – it’s time.  As with all things, intercourse just naturally has its time.  It’s the time when you both decide on the most intimate physical contact there is … or you may be at a point where you’ve been hanging out at an 8 for a long time, and the urge, drive, interest in penetration is too luscious to prolong.  Tantra is not about abstinence.  There are people with years of tantric training who choose not to have orgasms, but rather to take that sexual energy, move it through their bodies, and have total body orgasms, something different from a genital orgasm.

The Afterglow

After orgasm, don’t just nod off to sleep or jump up to turn on the TV.  The afterglow, the post-orgasmic state, is one in which you’re wrapped up in each other, truly physically merged.  Your minds have dissolved and you are both floating in a beautiful, tranquil state.  The spiritual connection may be at its height now.  You don’t need to pull your lingam out of her.  You can stay connected, but move into a mode of slow caresses, and stroking her hair.  Stay in the silence. It’s beautiful. No need to jump into conversation.  That breaks this magic spell.  I will say this.  From personal experience, in the afterglow my lover’s beauty takes on a new dimension for me.  It is a woman’s beauty where heart and soul illuminate the body, and I am really looking at a goddess, an angel.  I experience a level of adoration that is profound, and there are no words needed to say how I feel.  And so…we float together, maintaining our connection. Making love is heavenly.  That is not a metaphor.  Enjoy each other.  Make it delicious, and make it fun and playful.  Be creative.  Take these attitudes and techniques to assist you so that sex is really really fun.  Dare to have the courage to take a bold, new look at sex.  You will almost never again hear your wife or partner say, “Not tonight, honey. I have a headache.”  You WILL transform your relationship. So far we've focused mainly on How to Touch a Woman.  You may be wondering, “What do I get back from my lover?”  Great question.  Glad you asked!  When a woman is made love to the way she truly wants to be, you will help set her free.  You will liberate her sexuality and femininity. She is likely to have gotten used to 10-minute love making in which you jump her bones.  But she will instantly remember what she really loves.  If you have started slow and let go of attachment to orgasm and performance, she will have experienced the true, natural unfolding of her sexuality.  She will love you for it.  She will adore you and will be filled with gratitude.  She may not be having these thoughts as conscious thoughts.  A  woman's feminine nature, if I may generalize, is generous, affectionate, sensual, and full of gratitude.  So, as she is really being made love to, as she awakens to her natural sexuality, she will naturally respond in a way that is profoundly tuned in to what your body is asking for.  She will give back in a way that is likely to put a permanent smile on your face.The transformation of your love life will not be limited to the bedroom, but will help bring your entire relationship to new levels of intimacy.  You may find that long-term, seemingly unresolvable conflicts just melt away, for in liberating her sexuality, you have helped put her in touch with a part of herself she may have forgotten.  After all, she is not a “real woman” only in the bedroom.  By helping her experience and embrace her femininity and sexuality in this profound tantric way, you have helped her truly find herself. 

But what if you're interested in tantric massage and not tantric sex? You will obviously not be doing things that tantric lovers do. There's no intercourse, maybe no kissing, but you can have an experience that is mentally and physically beyond anything you've ever experienced.