Tantra is part technique and part attitude or philosophy. Most teachers and books focus on techniques, especially on Eastern esoteric spirituality. My belief is that the Attitude is central to tantra, and that the techniques serve the purpose of helping people get to the attitude...which is what I want to share with you. Most people who have heard about tantra have heard that there are techniques that allow a couple to make love for 5 or 10 hours. “The Sex Olympics!” That’s true, but the very long durations are not at the heart of the matter. Tantra is an ancient, Eastern system for spiritual progress and enlightenment. Tantra means, “to weave,” and it is the conscious weaving together of sexuality and spirituality. In the west, sex and spirit have not mixed well. Tantra is part technique and part attitude or philosophy. Most teachers and books focus on techniques, especially on Eastern esoteric spirituality. While tantra may have originated in the East, the principles are universal. My belief is that the Attitude is central to tantra, and that the techniques serve the purpose of helping people get to the attitude...which is what I want to share with you.
KEY TANTRIC ATTITUDES
1. Letting Go of Attachment to the Goal, the Orgasm For men, this is the first and biggest task, because men are goal-oriented and performance driven. Men want to make sure that they “do a good job” and that their lover has an orgasm. If she doesn’t, he takes it as his personal failure. Likewise, because sex is viewed as a performance, men grow more and more concerned about the ability to maintain an erection. Of course, that hidden, but endless fear of poor performance has led to the huge sales of drugs like Viagra and ExtenZe. If we think of love-making as a high-impact aerobic sport, we will wear out and lose a lot of interest. When people make a conscious effort to detach from the goal, they drop into the moment. The thing people call “foreplay” is really being immersed in the moment, and taking the time to explore together. Orgasms do not disappear with a tantric approach, but people have much better conscious choice about it, and, with practice can choose “if and when” they want orgasms. Tantric lovers want to spend a very long time in the sensuality, simply because it feels so amazing on all levels.
2. Setting the Intention
Tantra is the weaving together of sexuality and spirituality. It helps to take a minute before making love to set the intention. Nothing lengthy or fancy, but the intention does upgrade the experience from pure animal level to something much higher. A couple can light candles or incense, create their own ritual during which they state their intention to invite the spiritual element into their love making. The other intention is to openly state that, “Our love making is a matter of the heart. It IS about the love. The physical part will take care of itself.”
3. Learning to Fully Give...and Fully Receive
In the beginning, in order to understand the Tantric Philosophy, the man might spend an hour giving his partner an erotic massage. She is strongly encouraged Not to respond — by trying to turn him on. He is the one who fully gives. This is quite an interesting experience, because we tend to be giving-responding-giving-receiving, etc, which is quite normal. We are programmed to respond as soon as our lover “gives” to us. Through that programming we never learn to fully give or fully receive. Once lovers have experience with fully receiving and fully giving, they can go back to fully interacting…touching/kissing – then responding. Once you know how to give at a 100% level and receive at a 100% level, you will never be the same, and as you entwine in your Tantric Sexual Dance, the giving and receiving blends in a very natural way, but you will experience your lover’s touch and kiss in a way you never have before.
4. Open Communication
Tantric lovemaking is often done with lights on, which is a novel idea for many of us. People are encouraged to be as open as they possibly can about how they are feeling, what feels good, what feels great, what does not feel good...“a quarter of an inch to the left please! And…could you press just slightly more gently.” With open communication, with the lights on, men and women See each other for the first time. Trust me, men do not know all the ins and outs, the anatomy of a woman’s genitals. Men, the performance guys, are supposed to know how to do it all, fix cars and the plumbing. We’re the answer guys! How many men really really know a woman’s anatomy? When communication is open, a man can explore her clitoris “for the first time,” and she may say things like, “If you’d massage my clit at the 3 o’clock position, I would love that.” Likewise, many women are convinced that they give the best oral sex ever! But no two men are wired the same, and like women, men prefer oral touching and kissing in all kinds of different ways. Both men and women can be competitive about their sexual prowess, comparing their “skills” or their size to someone else. Love and comparisons or a competitive spirit do not go together. It's love, not the Super Bowl. You need to be able to ask for what you want. It's hard for most people to ask for what they want, because it leads to:
Moving into really open communication creates a kind of vulnerability and openness that is a new experience. Many women hold a lot of pain in their genitals, especially if they have experienced any kind of sexual trauma. For them sexuality and their heart are very connected. So, while a guy may think that “pounding a woman” like the powerful monster that he is – makes him the world’s greatest lover, but most women are quite skilled in faking orgasms, so as not to offend the male ego. Women like a slow touch, a soft caress . . . in order to open up emotionally and spiritually. They also will not fully open on a physical level until they feel totally safe. Once a woman feels really safe, she will open up, physically to a man, but if she has been sexually traumatized, the tantric approach allows a space to arise in which she is free to allow that pain to arise. You may find her crying, sobbing, or expressing a wide range of emotion. It's all good, all the emotions. Sexual Healing is real.And guys, remember: You’re not doing it wrong. You cannot “Do it wrong,” because genuine lovemaking is not about “doing.” It is much more about a state of being. Out of a loving, very safe state of “being,” the tantric physical pleasure is simply beyond any words I can write. And the heart/love connection can soar to profound levels. There is a reason for the phrase “Making Love. ”Women are naturally tantric. They are wired for love making, and not for being pounded into the bed. Their natural approach, what they like — is tantric. They are not mainly goal-oriented. The volumes of books about technique, in my opinion, help people reach - these attitudes. If a man and woman have a large capacity for love, a big heart container, then they are just going to fall into each other, merging, without “training.“ The fact is that you can't train to have a large capacity for love, so lots of folks involved with tantra stay focused on technique, because they basically do not know how to love. What I am saying is not terribly popular among tantra teachers and seminars, which tend to be quite focused on technique. I’d rather that you get your attitude and way of Being –right. Then the rest will follow. Sex in America averages 6 minutes of foreplay, 4 minutes of intercourse, for 10 grand minutes! When I was in a 2-year fully tantric relationship, we'd usually spend 4 or 5 hours. After quite a while we figured out how to have a one-hour quickie. We just set a very high priority on making love, and the experiences on a scale of 100 were 1000. No two experiences were alike, other than what I call a great big Bubble of Love, which always emerged, or always joined us. That bubble of love IS tantra. It is the joining of two hearts and two souls.I have found that tantric lovemaking is the single fastest way to access higher states of consciousness, but it really helps if the man and woman's level of consciousness are relatively the same. There is no judgment here about high or low, but it is a truth that different people have different levels of consciousness. There are some people who have unconditional love for everyone. There are others who are angry on a daily basis, who find fault and blame with others as a regular way of being in the world, and they are not terribly happy. This man and the woman with unconditional love won’t be happy making love. HE may be very happy, because he is the recipient of her unconditional love. That is the only way she knows how to BE. However, he will never be able to share or give what she is capable of receiving. Now that you understand the Tantric Attitude, do not hesitate to go read books, watch DVD’s, and go to seminars to study Tantric Technique. But, please understand that without understanding the central attitude, love-making will just be another thing you have to learn!
The Tantric Attitude Shift starts with letting go of being attached to the goal, and to the performance mindset. That shift is huge, and brings a total transformation into lovemaking. In addition, that shift, that moving from “Doing” to “Being” will transform your real love affair with your partner. Men, if you give her this gift of Your Self, she will be able to love you in a way you have never imagined. Until men move into the Tantric Attitude, they are highly unlikely to ever receive the profound level of love that so many women are capable of giving. Once this gift is given, man and woman are set for a very long period (months, years, or a lifetime) of happiness (physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual). Once a man has removed performance from the bedroom, his lover will be set free and will shower him with an abundance of love and affection. He will be amazed. Many men think that their wife doesn't love them anymore, and has become controlling, angry, and withholding. The most likely explanation for this common scenario is that the man has not learned how a woman loves to be touched. Eventually, she may shut down because her natural way of experiencing intimacy has never been met. Some of you may be thinking, “This doesn't sound like fun. It doesn't sound like these tantra folks have big wopper orgasms. It just seems weird.” When you understand tantra, there is nobody standing over you (except maybe your lover), telling you what to do and how to do it. This information WILL take your love making to the heights. Men learn to have total body orgasms, and women experience a prolonged build up of energy until she begins riding waves of powerful orgasms that are body, mind, and spiritual experiences. Men also gain mastery over ejaculation, orgasm, and premature ejaculation. This is information. Nobody is telling you to stop having fast, hard, powerful sex! Go for it. The two of you should do whatever you choose to DO or Be - together. What I have provided for you in these words is a way of taking your love making to an entirely new level that is simply fabulous. But, you don't have to give up anything. You now have tools, namely a shift in attitude, that you can choose to creatively bring into your bedroom. If you're already a master at love making, now, without trying, you are Divine. I do have one request of you. Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy making love, and make it a high priority in life. You don’t need me to wish you Good Luck. I would only say, “Good luck” if you were attempting to “do” something new. I’m not asking you to consider that. Tantra simply asks you to let go into the moment . . . and give up the idea that making love is about performance. It all boils down to that simple phrase:“ Tantra simply asks you to give up the idea that making love is about performance.”— Dr. David Gersten